A Long But Graceful Week
Spring is here, and as a result the weather is as unpredictable as ever. There are days when the sun shines brightly with a light inviting breeze and others that are still frigid. As student's like to say, "The weather during this season is very changeable." (A little Chinglish action for you).Changeable is a good word. It connotes sudden changes with out expectation. I feel like my time in China these last weeks have been quite... changeable.
The school has planted hundreds (no kidding) of trees in the last two weeks on what was once a bare campus. Some of these trees were already several tens of feet tall before they were stuck in the dirt too. They were planted with huge cranes, lowered into massive holes dug by several workmen at a time. Most of these trees are bare and look rather sad and lifeless. The fact that their roots have had no time to actually dig into the ground makes it seem unlikely that they'll survive, especially with the temperature jumping all over the place.
However, the other day I was walking to the main gate after class and noticed that on many of these naked trees, buds and flowers were beginning to poke out of the skinny, shaking branches. Purple, white, and yellow flowers fighting to bloom.
"Wow, that's grace," I thought to myself.
This is a good metaphor for how I feel.
I've been unusually tired this week. After every class I feel like kicking myself for being boring and perhaps not actually teaching anything. I listened to 20 speeches this week for a class and found myself quite discouraged at the level of quite a few of my students. My newspaper reading students stare blankly at me when I ask them to identify the purpose of the article. I walked into my new Tibetan English Conversation class having forgot to make copies of certain items necessary for teaching. It's been a long week.
I'm probably being too hard on myself. These days I understand the difficulties of teaching and the incredible amount of skill and patience needed to do it well. I've got a lot way to go. Here's to those teachers who love and serve so faithfully all over the world. To those teachers who have taught and loved me. I finally understand you a little bit more.
I've had some amazing opportunities with students lately to share the good news too, but I've usually let them slip by. A student asks me whether or not I say grace before meals and somehow I missed it. I'm having lunch with two new sisters and can barely get out any thoughts about how to help them grow. I have a study with another young new brother and I feel like I'm just giving historical knowledge and exposition out of a book that should be challenging his life.
I'm probably being too hard on myself. But these days I feel the urgency of the soul more than ever. It may sound cheesy, but it's true. You only get one shot and people need to know the Son if they want to meet the Father. Here's to all those servants of the Master and to their tireless dedication to making His name known. Here's to those who have helped bring me up to be an active part of the kingdom. I'm trying to do the same.
Yea, I've been pretty changeable lately. I don't feel as responsible as I should be, as capable or as loving either and yet I still go through the actions and pretend like it's all alright. I've had several people come up to me and comment about how I always seem so chipper. Maybe Dad's trying to let me in on something. I feel like I fall just short enough in all the places that matter most. But I also know I'm not alone in it. We're all a bit short aren't we? I'm sure it gets to you at times just like it's getting to me right now.
But you know what? Grace is alive and He is bigger than me. Flowers will bloom regardless of my changeable feelings, expectations, beliefs and actions.
Even if I cannot see what's going on He is moving. I can see His grace make up for my mistakes and I love Him more and more for it. Can you see the way He picks up the pieces you've left behind? The way it gets put back together? Each time it's a small miracle really.
And so when I look back on my week I see my shortcomings, loud and clear. But I also see the small buds of His grace that can still bloom despite any rough treatment.
I can see the few students who are getting what I am saying in class. I can be proud of the students who show good preparation in their speech delivery. I can rest at the smiles of Tibetan students who don't mind that I just made up an activity on the spot so long as they still practiced their English.
More importantly, I can trust that His grace is sufficient to reach students with His good news, that my actions of love can perhaps speak as much as my words. I can lift up students and hope that beneath a disinterested demeanor is a growing desire for something more. I can keep inviting students out for meals, sharing my story, and love them in such a way that demands me speak up sooner or later.
Yes, may His Grace empower me to be bold and speak His name in Truth and Love without fear.
posted by Unknown @ 12:38 AM
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