Rediscovery

Family Reflections

I’m taking a quick minute to look back to Beijing and reflect on the very important matters of family. They are the link that connects an otherwise unchained Chinese American boy to the stories of my ancestral history.

My grandaunt, aunt, and cousin live up one of the many alleyways in downtown Beijing. Grandauntie is weak, unable sit or stand for long periods of time, and is half blind. There is a nurse that stay with them to take care of her. I wonder if it is the other richer auntie who pays for it. Yet her mind is crystal clear. This is a stark contrast to my own lovely grandmother who is physically well, but is quickly losing her short term memory. I ask simple questions like when she came to Beijing, she responds clearly with only a slight quiver in her voice. Yet when I brought out my laptop to show her pictures of her sister and my family in the States, she gained a good amount of energy. It reminds me of when I met my granduncle in Qingdao and how he bounced up when he heard that we had a letter from my grandpa, his younger brother. My grandauntie strained her eyes to look at each snapshot. After about 15 minutes she said her eyes couldn’t take anymore and laid back down. I wish I had the chance to sit down and really talk with her uninhibited. Ask her about the trials of being in China during it’s harshest modern moments. What she thinks of today’s China.

Most of the conversation I had was with Hao Hao, my cousin. She is in the middle of high school, which is a very stressful time in the life of a Chinese student. Even so, Hao Hao seems a couple of steps removed. She is of course working hard, but her attitude seems to express a certain type of withdrawal. My auntie is hoping that we can build a strong relationship, especially because we are in the same generation. I hope so too. I don’t know why, but there is something deep in me that values family relationships (regardless of how distant they seem) as a something sacred. Perhaps it is the Chinese in me.

On that thought, I move my focus over to my grandauntie’s other daughter whom I will call older auntie. I wasn’t even planning on originally seeing my older auntie and her children (my older cousins) in Beijing. For whatever reason they were at the end of my list. It must have appeared quite rude of me to do so. Nonetheless, the day before my departure my cousin, Yan Zhen (i think is his name, not sure), found me at Capital Normal and insisted I join him and his family for dinner at the restaurant he managed. He had managed restaurants before by the airport and also in Germany. He told me all about his adventures in cooking and gave me lots of advice about how to conduct myself and be aware in China. His current management job was in a small shop in a research compound not too far for Capital Normal. It didn’t seem like much until he told me about the fact that all the food is imported, perhaps weekly, from Yunan province. I was served a wonderful combination of delicate rice noodles. One was especially cool (or shall I say hot). A layer of oil kept the soup boiling beneath as the waitress threw in the noodles, veggies, and meats to be cooked right there on the spot. It was evidently one of my grandma’s favorite dishes when visiting Yunan with older auntie.

I’m glad my Grandma got to be in China again those few years ago. Older auntie tells me that Grandma said it would be her last time in China. I wonder how it must feel to know you will pass away so far from the land you called home. The world is getting awfully small, but have our souls adjusted?

Yan Ying’s son, my nephew, was very big and running around without ceasing. My cousin in law taking care of him while Ying and older auntie chatted with me. They are moving out of their really nice townhouse by the airport into the downtown area (even MORE expensive) for convenience and work. Ying tells me more about her job with BTV and how she finds ways to do international travel for fun. She really does have the world at her fingertips. She represents everything that a new modern Chinese person would want: rich, successful, beautiful, and still up and coming.

My cousin, Xiao Mu, is real character. He’s a bit rude, a dry wit, a real cool under the table type. He took some time out to hang out with me while I was in Beijing. Laughing it up with some of his office buddies, meeting his new wife, having dinner with him and a cousin of his (though not related to me I'm sure). He is also somebody who embodies another important part of the new modern Chinese spirit: one that passively accepts the traditions of old while simultaneously approaching the promises of the new. There seems to be little thought concerning the ins and outs of the soul. My short conversation with him and his cousin at the Hubei Restaurant revealed a lot. His presence emits a type of apathy with the system. A belief that reflects the unending change all over China. Will anything really last? In the meantime, he’s out to live in the best and most satisfying way he can. He does well at the computer hardware company he is with. Yet I feel as if his soul screams out for something more. Just the way his cousin and her friend reacted to some of my thought about living for the benefit of the whole world, it’s as if they never heard of such talk.

What about my step-family? I find it interesting that I have relations with them at all, especially with the circumstances by which I know them. Sherry and Alice are both still young, growing up as children of China's current success. Perhaps with the proper relationship I can be a good big brother of sorts, albeit one who lives far far away. They are cute, and I hope they grow up a step or two ahead of the typical Chinese person. As one who is not lost in the tear down/build up culture that currently exists, but is able to rise above the shallow dreams handed to them. The same goes for Hao Hao, Tong Tong, and each and every one of my students and the future generations of China. I have hope yet.

I am connected to all these people. I can barely say all the things that my heart feels toward them. Strangers in so many senses, but sharing a presence that clues me into China’s society better than any textbook or conversation I could have because I they are family.

There's high potential I will go to Shanghai for October Holiday to see an uncle and cousin. I've not met them yet in person. It should also be a very good experience.

posted by Unknown @ 1:26 AM